I've done a lot of thinking lately (which is never really that good of a thing for me) and it seems as if I am actually a "grown up," and much to my amazement I think I kind of like it.
(Part 1 - Background)
When I was younger a "grown up" was someone who couldn't have fun, or if they could they couldn't in front of the kids. Their "fun" was inflated parties, image, stature, and the utmost responsibility. Part of me when I was very young, 7-13, wanted to be like that, wanted to have prestige, wanted to be the "grown up" the adult that could do whatever they wanted when they wanted. The person who had the meeting, had the important job had the call of something, anything, anything important. I tended to worry a lot as a kid, worry about things that I had no business worrying about. This led inevitably to physical maladies that from time to time perk up even today, but at the time I thought this is what I wanted, I wanted to matter, I wanted to be important and in my head the maladies and stress were just consequences of wanting these things, these "adult" things. I didn't recognize the value of being a kid.
Later as a teen I rebelled against the conventions of "adulthood." For years in junior high and high school and even into college, I would be the one with the "hammer pants", or a "pinhead" I would be the one guy who wouldn't take anything serious, the guy who "floated," didn't have a great deal of responsibility, I even loved my job as acting like a kid through my famous and notorious years at "the Zone". On the outside I was as rebellious and childlike as anyone you had ever met, yet on the inside it was different. Anyone who really knew me, knew this was the case. On the outside I was fun loving and childlike, but a few knew what was going on, on the inside. Inside, I was constantly worrying, constantly beating myself over my stated potential and my lack of achieving it constantly droning on about what I was going to be, what I was going to do, on the outside I was that crazy kid who was always joking, on the inside I was a wreck. I realized the value of childhood but missed the opportunity to completely accept it. I lost the importance and freedom of childhood and instead focused on the responsibility and pressure that came from "growing up".
Then I moved to college where more important than the "book knowledge" and conventional education, the exam, tests and papers etc. was the ability, the time to learn what it was to be a "grown up." It was in college that I started the process of learning how to balance the childhood ideals of adulthood and the actual reality of adulthood. How could these two things ever be reconciled, could they ever be? Can I be the guy who is called upon to make the decision in a pinch while at the same time be the guy who can sit in front of a video game for 3 days, wear happy pants, and sit and smile at the simplicities of life? Can I love the innocence of youth, hold the belief in happy endings, take off and be spontaneous all the while still covering the responsibilities of age? Is this possible? Yes, yes it is possible and in the end I was finding out what it really meant to be a "grown up". The balance was starting to come around but it wasn't quite there, however, I knew it was possible and I was going to find it.
I think more than the outward perception of what it means to be a "grown up" are the inward ideals,the balance, the maturity, that come with age and experience, the balance. My experiences, too personal to put on an external blog, have led me to my current stature where I feel that I am, a "grown up." I have learned to be the adult of my youth, with responsibilty and "importance", and maintaining the innocence and wonder of my childhood and the "obscurity" and honesty of a child. The definition of a "grown up" changes across the board for whomever you may ask, based on their own experiences, age and ideals, yet speaking through the language of film I think I have found my definitions and would like to share my ideals in a common form. I hope and strive to find the balance that these characters (and subsequently these actors) have defined on film. I hope to know what it is like to be a "grown up" through their eyes.
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